Different shades of good and bad
by Hope Calaris
Summary: He loves Shawn and that is maybe the scariest thought he ever had in his life. JordanShawn


**Summary: **He loves Shawn and that is maybe the scariest thought he ever had in his life. (Jordan/Shawn)  
**A/N:** Set during "Weight of the world" and heavily AU because I don't think the writers intended the slash I see between Jordan and Shawn.  
English is not my mother language and I wrote this little piece of whatever in the middle of the night without a beta, so feel free to leave any constructive criticsm and corrections of language and grammar, especially word order (I suck at this).  
**Disclaimer:** 4400 sadly doesn't belong to me but to some guys I don't know.

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**Different shades of good and bad**

by Hope Calaris

_He was pure, there was no other word for it. And maybe it was this attitude, this "I can't believe you're capable of such a thing and I hope I'll never be like you"-look on his face everytime he threatens him to go away and search his luck all by himself that draws him to him. He doesn't really know why he plays with the fire like this. He doesn't want to think about what he will do if Shawn decides enough is enoug and really walks out on him one day._

He really can be a manipulative prick, but that's not what he would call him right now. Right now he would prefer the name "lover", even if that's probably not the way Jordan sees their relationsship. However it doesn't matter now with Jordan caressing his skin and placing fleeting kisses all over his body.

_He remembers touches offering healing. Then the touches became more, meaning comfort and a steady line he didn't know he needed. Somewhere along the way he started to await the touch, even craved for it sometimes. He thinks that touching a healer will heal him somehow and he doesn't mean his health._

He's fairly sure that Jordan has made him somewhat perfect in his mind and that's weird because it doesn't fit to the "I know the _real_ world"-businessman. It doesn't fit to Shawn either because he's as far away from perfect as he probably can be. And he's afraid, afraid of what he can do. If he gets carried away, people will get hurt, maybe die if there's nobody to stop him and Jordan seems to overlook the fact that he can heal _and_ kill constantly. Being with him is dangerous for the older man, touching him is like playing with a fire which could burn him any minute and yet there is nothing he likes more than touching him.

_He would never admit it, yet another reason he needs to touch him so often is to ensure he's alive and well. He's scared, not of the gift but of the price it costs Shawn. Most times he can ingnore the nagging thought about what he's willing to sacrifice in order to achieve his goals, but it's a different matter with Shawn. He loves Shawn and that is maybe the scariest thought he ever had in his life._

This man is a mystery to him. There are moments when he wants to yell at him for being an asshole and trying to control him like when he had shut Kyle out of his life and other times when he feels lost and overwhelmed and wants nothing more than being as near to him as possible – like now.

_He can't actually remember their first kiss. He recalls guiding Shawn back to his appartment after one of his healing sessions, then Shawn sending them both to the ground because his legs had given way under him and in the next second he was thinking about the sweet taste of the healer's lips. He was terrified when he realised what he had done. After all, he was Jordan Collier, he just didn't lose control like this. And yet there he was, just centimeters away from Shawn, who stared at him like he didn't believe any of this. It had been the first night he had spent with him._

He doesn't know when he fell in love with the leader of the 4400 centres or why – it just happened and he adds it to the long list of things he can neither explain nor wants to. Right now he just wants to enjoy the feeling of skin to skin because it was a long, tiredsome day and Jordan is not here to ask him to heal another person.

_With Shawn it is never about sex. Sex is what he has with people like Chloe or Devon, it is quick and doesn't mean anything. But being with Shawn is special and not about satisfying his needs. Making love to Shawn is like catching a glimpse of something he knows he will never reach. Surprisingly, it doesn't trouble him as long as he still can have him by his side._

Afterwards he stays awake long enough to see Jordan genuinely smiling at him and his last concious thought before drifting off to sleep is that just maybe things will work out for them.

(The end)


End file.
